Jaguars are sexy!
They skulk.
They pounce.
They murder.
You know, the stuff of sexiness.
Check out this jaguar video that is so oozing with sexiness that it is is practically porn (that might be a slight exaggeration):
But, yo, jaguars are elusive AF. I’ve been a good chunk of their range (from Arizona in the north to Peru in the south), but I never got a whiff of that sweet jaguar stank (there is probably a less awkward way of saying that, but meh).
Once, in a desperate attempt to see a jaguar I went deep into the Ecuardorian Amazon and burst into a Yasuni family’s home (the Yasuni are natives that live in the jungle) to demand to know where they hide their jaguars.
The Yasuni told me that if I was lucky I might see a jaguar once in my lifetime and I should accept that I am just not that lucky. Then, the Yasuni fed me beetle larvae as a punishment for breaking into their home.
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And so the Yasuni’s words held true – adventures came and went with me, a swashbuckling ninja bad-ass, seeing incredible wildlife, but with nary a sexy jaguar.
Then, one day in the Brazilian Pantanal my sister Assflap had to take a whiz (she is a prolific whizzer, you see). It was only in mid-whiz when a jaguar finally revealed itself.
A Jaguar Appears
We were out cruising the 100 quadrillion acres of Pantanalian wetland when Assflap being Assflap had to pop-a-squat out in the middle of nowhere because that is what she does.
Problem: we are out in the middle of nowhere on a boat with no designated piss places.
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Our guide Tito found a tiny ass sand island in the middle of the river that would make a nice pissatorium for Assflap. Tito scouted the island quickly with no danger sighted. Assflap then popped-a-squat behind some tall grass. The whizzing doth commenced while we relaxed in the boat.
And there Assflap was in mid whiz when the sweetest phrase in any vertebrate language was calmly spoken by Tito, “Assflap, get into the boat. There is a jaguar on the beach with you.”
We all laughed at Tito because the scenario that he was describing – a jaguar on this tiny ass sand island while my sister was taking a piss – was just too far fetched, “Ha, Tito, you bastard – so funny!”
And yet the once in a lifetime opportunity to see a jaguar had manifested. A jaguar really did step out of the 100 quadrillion acres of wilderness onto this tiny ass sand island at the exact minute that Assflap was taking a whiz.
This jaguar to be exact:
Assflap, who was still whizzing as we were gawking at the jaguar, saunters out of the grass pulling up the same pants that she had worn for at least 4 days in a row. She laughs because she thought that Tito was full of shit, “Really, Tito? A jaguar on this island? Haha, you bastard!”
Then she saw the jaguar walking along the same beach as her.
Her lizard-brain immediately kicked in as she dove into the boat while simultaneously buttoning her well worn pants. The dive-and-button move was truly impressive and likely the greatest athletic moment of her life.
From the safety of the boat we followed Potty Patty for a bit as she hunted caiman along the river bank until she disappeared into the foliage. She was as elegant and magnificent of an organism as I imagined that she would be – sleek, powerful, and with that quiet feline skulk that makes her ilk so deadly.
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Retrospective
I realize how lucky I am to have seen a jaguar in the wild. What an honor to have seen such a glorious animal!
I also realize that it was lucky that the jaguar didn’t try to murder Assflap as she whizzed (although that might be her destiny someday, that little whizzer). Potty Patty really didn’t seem to have any interest in humans whatsoever. Lucky us.
Oh, and one last bit of luck about seeing Potty Patty while Assflap was whizzing – Potty Patty was also taking a whiz. Yes, a jaguar appeared out of nowhere on this tiny ass little island, henceforth known as Toilet Island, to simultaneously take a whiz at the same time that Assflap was whizzing. Talk about lucky!!!
The End!
NOTE: The cover photo of this album is a different jaguar named Ginger. I used that picture for the blog cover photo because it is much better than the pics that I got of Potty Patty.
We ended up seeing 4 different jaguars on this trip. 4!! I probably owe some kind of minor demon a bunch of sacrifices for this good fortune. I won’t pay those debts as I don’t pay any of my debts. Suck it, minor demon!