Sometimes I bite people.
As a kid, people would feed me all of the time without me even asking for food. Those were glorious times – free food and I didn’t have to bite anyone to get it (I still bit the shit out of people for different reasons). Then, as I got older, I noticed that people stopped giving me free food like they did when I as kid.
What the crap is that about? People giving me free food suddenly stops because I’m 30 years old, I have a job, and a house? No, no, that isn’t how this works. You see, these people got me hooked on that free food and I had no intention of giving it up. So, I started to bite people if they didn’t feed me.
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This system worked out well for years. I would shake down my friends, family, the nice folks at Arby’s, little kids…anyone with food. If they didn’t feed me when I indicated that it was eating time (I point at my belly and say, “Fatty is hungry”), I would get bitey. You will be surprised how quickly people will give you free food when you are taking a hunk out of their ass.
What a great move, eh? I’ve been doing this for years with incredible success. Then, I see this video of a sea-lion straight up stealing my move:
Yo, I made that move famous! I was doing that back when that sea-lion was wearing short-pants. Not cool, stealing my move, bro, but I respect the hell out of your snatch-and-grab technique.
I always felt that my feed-me-or-bite-thee move was the absolute tits, as the kids say. That sea-lion snatch-and-grab video got me to thinking about that one time that I saw a white headed capuchin monkey crew swindle some boat riding apes out of free nutrients without even threatening to bite them. Who knew that there was another way to get free food? Whoever dared to dream so bigly?
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The monkey-grift that I experienced took place in a mangrove swamp outside of Manuel Antonio in Costa Rica. The crew of boat-apes I was with rafted into the swamp looking for crocodiles.That is when we were spotted by the capuchin grifters.
As most of the boat-apes were soft, doughy, and pasty, like me, the monkey-crew knew that they had a group of easy marks to grift and swindle. They skulked out of the mangroves to make their moves.
We, the pasty boat-apes, should have known that we were already ensnared in their monkey-grift when they boarded our vessel. Are monkey pirates a real thing? Yes. Yes, they are.
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None of the boat-apes offered up any food handouts to the monkey-grift-crew, not even a Beef N’ Cheddar. I was expecting the monkey pirates to resort to my bite-first-and-ask-questions-later routine, but nah. I wondered how these sexy little boat raiders had planned on getting food without even feigning a bite. That is when their leader sat directly upon my head.
What the F was happening here? They weren’t getting fed and their move was to debase and humiliate me, the most pasty of the boat-apes? Little did I realize that my debasement by boss-monkey was simply to use and abuse me as a prop for their grift.
The rest of the boat-apes laughed and pointed at me. “Haha, you have a monkey on your head and it totally does not go with your outfit,” they said cruelly. The boat-ape’s collective distraction at my simian humiliation was the opening that the OG monkey crew needed. They quickly executed a textbook snatch-and-grab on two bottles of water and some bananas (completely stereotypical). When the boat-apes figured out that the grift was on all of the monkey pirates hopped off of the boat and vanished into the mangrove. Swamp monkeys 1, boat-apes 0, readers of this blog -1.
While I respect the deftness of this monkey-grift, I am too elderly and, frankly, too stupid to change my ways by adopting this technique. Plus, I don’t have any friends to leverage for the grift – something about the constant biting drives them away. So, I’m still out there shaking down people for food using the old fashioned bite as a motivator. This classic technique is still effective as I’m fatter and more disgusting than ever. Still, I’ll never forget the elegance of that monkey-grift.
Cheers,
The Pope Of Awesome-town