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Chimpanzees: Murder Machines With Erections (Sometimes)

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Chimpanzees:  Murder Machines With Erections (Sometimes)
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Have you ever been stared down by a chimpanzee with an erection?

I have.  It’s weird.

A chimp walking erect with an erection.  I didn’t get to take a pic while he was eye-balling us with the red rocket at full mast.  We were walking with a Masai warrior and I thought that it would be disrespectful to fall apart laughing while taking chimpanzee dick pics.  Luckily, he was trying not to laugh too.  Once he cracked up I was able to grab a softie pic

Here is a video of Boner McGee walking erect begging for bananas and possibly a handy. That is right, a chimp is walking erect.  Wait, isn’t walking erect supposed to be the domain of humans?  Yes, it is.  Maybe this dude is giving us a glimpse through the looking glass as to how we diverged from our our chimp-like common ancestor back in the day.

I met Boner McGee at a kick-ass chimpanzee sanctuary called Sweetwaters Chimpanzee Sanctuary in Kenya. These chimps originally lived at an orphanage in Rwanda (they usually ended up as orphans because people killed their mothers for bush-meat). Nice non bush meat eating people set up the facility in Rwanda to give these chimps a place to live that didn’t involve the pet trade or riding tricycles in a Russian circus.

When the Rwandan civil war broke out, the folks at the Rwandan orphanage had to get the chimps out of the country while the war raged (it’s hard to care for chimps when war breaks out).  Thus, Sweetwaters Chimpanzee Sanctuary was established in Kenya and the chimps have been there rocking boners ever since.

I wasn’t sure if this sign was about the chimps or the human visitors

Every geek on the street knows that chimpanzees are humans closest living relative.  Aside from having almost our entire genome in common we both also enjoy begging for food and handys as well as murdering shit.  Sometimes chimps even murder their human overlords…

When chimps attack humans their attacks are especially gruesome:  they like to chew off the lips, nose, and ears…they love to rip off the entire dick and balls (when applicable)…and their death-stroke is to use their iron fingers to eviscerate people.  Do yourself a favor, don’t google any of this.  Ghastly.  Simply ghastly.

You really cannot have a sanctuary for animals if human visitors routinely get mutilated or murdered by the animals…right?  Thus, Sweetwaters Chimpanzee Sanctuary is pretty much a chimpanzee super-max prison that would put Gitmo to shame.  Sweetwaters Chimpanzee Sanctuary:  providing sanctuary to chimps while simultaneously protecting humans from the chimps!

You better believe those wires are electrified.
Told ya

Despite the electrified fences the chimps can and do escape.  Fucking dudes are smart and have unlimited time to exploit weakness in their super-max prison.  If you are a human strutting around the facility when the chimps breakout then you have very little time to get to safety.  If they catch you with murder in their hearts then you are in big, big trouble.

Here is what safety looks like in the event of a chimp prison break:

The facility provides cages for humans to cower in while the chimps go on a rampage and possibly whip their feces through the bars…the chimps whip their feces at humans, but I suppose that it could go both ways

I would think that most people that have ever interacted with an ape usually comes away with the feeling that they really are just primal versions of us.  Hunting, murder, and killing what is different from us is, unfortunately, a part of our dark makeup.  A part that chimpanzees most definitely share with us.

And that, shapely reader, is everything that you ever wanted to know from Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Z.  Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to beg for food and handys.  Boner McGee, I hope that I make you proud!

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