On my adventures things generally go according to plan.  

Until they don’t.

On a recent trip to the Pantanal we experienced a very ordinary flat tire while we were out in the middle of the wilderness.  

Having a flat tire is not a problem as long as your vehicle has the basic maintenance items like, ya know, a tire jack and a spare tire.

Spare Tire – CHECK!

Tire Jack – CHECK!

Not so fast, this tire jack was busted.

Thus, it was time to MacGyver some kind of shitty tire jack based on items that could be scavenged in the wilderness of the Pantanal!

No, you shush, MacGyver!

[adinserter name=”Block 1″]

The best items, and the only human made items, that we could rig up were a few boards and a block of wood that we found at a bridge that was under repair.

The Pantanal, being a wetlands, is festooned with rickey-ass bridges. This is definitely one of the better bridges by far. Most of them are 50/50 that you end up with your ass in the bog.

We got the boards and block of wood assembled into a makeshift ramp. Then, we drove the flat-ass tire onto the ramp.

I have no idea what Tito is doing under there.  The likelihood of the vehicle falling on his head was legit.  What would we have done if the vehicle did fall on his head?  We would have eaten him, of course. 

Problem: a ramp isn’t a jack – it’s a ramp.

The flat-ass tire just sat on the ramp and we had no way to lift the vehicle to get the tire off. We still needed something that was akin to a jack.

Hmmm, how about that broken jack? Maybe if we f’ed with the jack a little we could get it to work?

We collected the broken jack, some random liquids we found in the van, and poured it into the jack.  Why?  How the f*** should I know? Maybe to get some hydraulic pressure going?  Sure, let us go with that.    

I’m pretty sure that liquid is syrup.

[adinserter name=”Block 2″]

Needless to say that the random liquids poured into the jack did not bring it back to life. That bitch was dead. D-E-D dead!

With no solution in sight and the prospect of spending the night in the wilderness looming we decided that the most productive thing that we could do at the moment was hot Pantanal yoga.  

My sister busts out some HOT Pantanal yoga while we faced the prospect of being stranded out in the wilderness likely leading us to kill and eat each other. It only took about 30 minutes for me to get hungry enough that I wanted to eat my companions. That is a new record for me. 

After some yoga it was time for pictures.  Did I mention that it was HOT yoga? Check out those sweat marks!  

Yes, her eyes are closed because that is who she is. That is ALWAYS who she is.

I SAID LOOK AT THEM!!!  

Nothing like sweating through your clothes while you are stranded in the middle of nowhere. Don’t think that hordes of mosquitoes weren’t on us like stink on a monkey. We were actually stinking like a monkey now that I mention it.

[adinserter name=”Block 3″]

With hot yoga over and no solution to the flat-ass tire issue it seemed only reasonable that we now kill and eat each other. I started to size up one of the guides that I thought might make a nice meal when, wouldn’t you know it, a car showed up on this desolate road.

Remember that bridge that we looted to make that shitty ramp? The foreman came back to check on it. Whoops, we looted your project, homey.

The foreman had a cell signal and called one of his employees to come out and help us out. The dude showed up with a jack, we fixed the flat, and we got on our sweaty way.

And the moral of the story is that before you fall to killing and eating your traveling companions maybe at least wait a full hour before you do so. Mmmm, Brazilian food!!

The End.

RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR